Major Gift Fail: Woman visits cousin's dirty home and decides to buy his wife cleaning supplies for her birthday

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Ben Weiss • Writer and Editor
Nov 10, 2022 11:00 AM EST

There are bad gifts and then there are insulting ones. This was both. This woman, who posted this thread on Reddit's r/AmITheA**hole subreddit, was clearly trying to do something nice but has horribly poor judgment. She and her spouse visited her cousin and his wife's home and saw that it was, well, dusty, to put it nicely. Her cousin's wife later apologized for the mess. 

 

Flash forward to this wife's birthday, and the Redditor and her sister thought it would be a good idea to buy a Roomba for her. Here's the thing: a big reason why their home wasn't clean was that the cousin never picks up after himself and has a messed up perspective of gender roles. Rather than purchase cleaning supplies for the wife, they could have just talked to their cousin and encouraged him to help more around the house. Then, just buy a normal birthday gift or write her a check if you really have no idea what she would want. One person in the comments section put it best when they said that you should never buy cleaning supplies for someone unless they specifically request them. Otherwise, it's just plain old rude.

 

Keep scrolling below to see the full story. For more, check out this post about a woman who blew up at her fiancé for taking his kids with him on vacation.

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  • 01
    Font - AITA for giving my cousin's wife a Roomba? My (40F) cousin (36M) married his wife (35F) five years ago, and in that time she's been a welcomed member of our family. She's an academic and works as an assistant professor in a major city in the next state, although she doesn't go to campus every day (she works from home the rest of the time). My husband (42M) and I stopped by their house a while to for an unexpected visit, and were shocked that their house was a bit unorganized. It wasn't ho
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  • 02
    Font - My cousin doesn't clean much because his dad is very traditional about gender roles and didn't raise him to help his wife clean the house. My cousin's wife has done a good job in teaching him to do more around the house, but it's been a long process.
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  • 03
    Font - When my cousin's wife had a birthday recently, my sister (45F) and I decided to buy her a Roomba to help her keep the house clean. My cousin had privately apologized to me after my last visit, for the house not being as clean as it could've been, so my sister and I thought that the Roomba would be useful for her. Well, apparently it wasn't. She got upset at the implications that she was a bad housekeeper and that it was solely her responsibility to clean, instead of our encouraging our co
    via u/PlanktonEntire5744
  • 04
    Font - and won't come to family gatherings. The holidays are coming up, and everyone will ask where she is when she doesn't show up. My cousin is mad because he'll be in the middle and forced to explain her absence diplomatically. AITA?
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  • 05
    Font - aamfbta 20 hr. ago edited 19 hr. ago Oh boy, YTA big time. First of all, with season changes, hectic jobs and life in general things sometimes have to temporarily fall to the wayside in order to juggle the greater priorities. You stopped by for an unexpected visit and you're shocked that she was unprepared to receive visitors? I would understand concern if the house had piles and piles of stuff throughout making it impossible to move and creating a health hazard, but dishes in the sink an
    via u/PlanktonEntire5744
  • 06
    Font - Second, you say that your cousin's father taught him traditional gender norms but it seems like your parents taught you the same. Along with examining why you're so judgemental, you should also examine what you've internalized and why you thought cleaning should fall to the woman in the family. Super weird cognitive dissonance on this front. And finally: I'm glad she donated it. You deserved to lose money for reinforcing gender roles and suggesting your cousin's wife isn't doing enough. O
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  • 07
    Font - Jaded-Combination-20 19 hr. ago Partassipant [1] Also, the whole "my cousin apologized" - if HE doesn't like how the house looks, HE can clean it instead of apologizing for his wife! OP, YTA, and so is your cousin 2.3k Reply
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  • 08
    Font - aamfbta 19 hr. ago Yeah seriously, I missed that the first time around. Now I'm thinking she should have kept the roomba to suck up the annoying dust bunny that is her husband. 468 Reply
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  • 09
    Font - Encartrus 20 hr. ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] First, and I mean this, a Roomba was a lifechanging investment for me as the primary floor cleaner of my house. I can't understand not seeing it and being like "OH HELL YES" in any capacity. Second, if someone came to visit my house, complained enough that someone felt they had to apologize, and then bought me a Roomba I don't know how I would see that as anything BUT a rebuke.
    via u/PlanktonEntire5744
  • 10
    Font - Third, if someone told me that I had to return something gifted to me on my birthday rather than doing whatever the hell I wanted to do with it, that person. A gift, once given, is your property to do whatever the you want with, including selling or giving it away. In short, I vote YTA. Even though you may have meant to do this out of kindness, your execution was awful and insulting. 2.1k Reply Share
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  • 11
    Font - 91 Available-Score-491. 18 hr. ago Robots doing chores are one of the most amazing inventions I can think of. However if you are gifting anything related to chores, vacuums/cleaning products/cooking products, it must only be when they have asked or made clear this is something they want. Especially when your family uses the BS of "gender roles" to excuse behavior. Both people who live in the house both have a responsibility to keep it clean and maintained.
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  • 12
    Font - OrangeCubit 20 hr. ago Professor Emeritass [85] YTA - it's not solely her job to keep their house clean. What a weird, sexist, judgemental gift. 4872 Reply Share
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  • 13
    Font - morbid_n_creepifying. 18 hr. ago Right? If the cousin is aware of the lack of housekeeping (apologizing for the lack of vacuuming) and the cousin isn't helping out, why wasn't the Roomba a gift for the cousin? The cousin's wife isn't the problem here, so why give her the gift? Sounds like an appropriate gift to someone you care about who has expressed some stress about their household chores. Oh that's right - sexism
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  • 14
    Font - ashleighbuck. 20 hr. ago Partassipant [3] Honestly, I'm voting YTA. You went to her home, and complained about the level of housekeeping. To her spouse, who you openly admit does little to help around the house, but not about her spouse. Just to him.
    via u/PlanktonEntire5744
  • 15
    Font - She has a demanding job, and still does the majority of the housework. That her husband doesn't do enough of. Yet you think it's appropriate to give her a vacuum cleaner as a birthday gift. Because her husband is too manly to help around the house sufficiently. Why not gift that to HIM on his bday? Since he's the one lacking? Also, her husband is also an AH. Why the did he explain the gift to her in that way? It was rude.
    via u/PlanktonEntire5744

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gender cleaning aita birthday gender differences reddit thread Reddit cousin
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